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HIGHS, LOWS AND UH-OHS OF THE GOLDEN GLOBES
By Kat GiantisSpecial to MSN Entertainment
Was Robin Williams on to something at Sunday's Golden Globes when he predicted that the appearance of Prince, William Shatner, Puff Daddy and Mick Jagger on the same stage could be a sign of the coming apocalypse?

While we have our doubts as to whether the end of days is nigh, there is something to be said for an awards show that manages to hand out acting prizes to both Leonardo DiCaprio and Teri Hatcher in the span of three hours.

With its continued selection of (mostly) worthy winners, the once-mocked Hollywood Foreign Press Association has made us forget its Pia Zadora-filled past, and has earned its position as a harbinger of those precious gold bald guys named Oscar. Next month, expect to see Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Hilary Swank, Clint Eastwood and Annette Bening with their eyes on the prize.

As is usually the case when Hollywood bends over backwards to kiss its own butt, there were some highs, some lows, and a few uh-ohs. Relive them all right now...

Most Thankful Not To Be Stumping for Radio Shack: Once the most downloaded woman on the Internet, Teri Hatcher was reduced to playing second banana to Howie Long before "Desperate Housewives" came calling. Unlike many stars who prefer to forget their time on the D-list, the
Best TV Comedy Actress winner acknowledged the lean times and expressed her gratitude to the powers-that-be at ABC, "who gave me a second chance at a career when I couldn't have been a bigger has-been." Hatcher giddily added, "I can't believe I'm standing here in front of a bunch of movie stars!"

Most Heartfelt Tribute, Part 1: Jamie Foxx, who tearfully remembered his beloved grandmother as he accepted his Best Actor prize for "Ray" in a crowd-rousing speech. "I used to think it was corny when people would say, 'People are looking down on you [from heaven],'" he said, his face contorted with emotion. "I didn't believe it ... but I got a feeling." Sniff.

Funniest Loser: Meryl Streep, who jokingly (we think) issued a bitter congratulations -- complete with eye roll -- to Natalie Portman, who bested her in the Supporting Actress in a Drama category. Her light-hearted snarkiness added some much-needed levity to the night's
often tedious "thank-yous."

Most Heartfelt Tribute, Part 2: Mariska Hargitay, who took Best TV Drama Actress for "Law & Order: SVU," had us tearing up as she gave shout-outs to both her late mother, seminal blond bombshell Jayne Mansfield, and her father, onetime bodybuilder Mickey Hargitay. "Forty-nine years ago, my mother accepted an award and my father was with her, and I'm lucky enough to have my father here with me," Hargitay said, as the camera cut to her weeping dad. "I just want to say to you that you're my hero. You've taught me not only by your work, but by example, Dad, and I love you." Awwww.

Least Surprised Winner: Annette Bening, who coolly raised her champagne glass in toast when she heard her name called as Best Actress for "Being Julia." After accepting a chaste kiss on each cheek from husband Warren Beatty, a man who once made generations of women swoon, she proceeded monotonously to rattle off a list of names that meant little to us. Annette, you're getting praised for your work in front of millions of people -- can't you feign some surprise and excitement or spare a little sugar for your sweetie? And while we're still not sure what she was referring to when she thanked Beatty for lunch at the "pizza joint," if her form-fitting dress is any indication, she didn't down anything with carbs.

Most Deserving of a Bleepin' Prize: "Deadwood's" Ian McShane, who summed up the secret
thoughts of every nominee as he clutched his Globe and happily declared, "Mine, mine, mine, mine."

Creepiest 'Thank You': Natalie Portman, who, in her best little-girl voice, called her "Closer" director Mike Nichols the "nicest, smartest, wisest daddy ..." Considering she played the most wholesome stripper ever to grace the silver screen, Portman's gratitude left us -- and we're guessing Diane Sawyer, Nichols' wife -- with an all-over feeling of squickiness.

Someone Get the Hook -- Pronto: We could see it coming from a mile away, but that didn't make Robin Williams' exhausted shtick (come on, a Janet Jackson joke?!?) while accepting his Cecil B. DeMille award any easier to swallow. In paying tribute to the hyperactive entertainer, Mike Nichols declared, "He causes serious pain in our abdominal muscles." Well, the director was half-right. Seriously, you know your speech isn't going well when your children and your wife all look like they're praying for the floor to open up and swallow them whole. It didn't have to be like this: Williams proved he can control his inner clown as he lovingly remembered his longtime friend Christopher Reeve by paraphrasing the "good night, sweet prince" speech from "Hamlet."
Hey, Mork-Guy, Try Not to Bite the Hand That Feeds: Williams took many a dig at the Hollywood Foreign Press during his time at the microphone. Perhaps he was less than thrilled with the montage of his career, which included clips of him wearing rainbow suspenders as Mork, squinting as "Popeye," and donning a red nose in "Patch Adams."

Most Unusual Fashion Statement, Part 1: Jamie Foxx accessorized his tuxedo with what appeared to be large winged tattoo on the back of his head. Our verdict on the ink-stained adornment: Yee-ouch!

Best Victoria's Secret-Style Simile: An uber-relaxed Mick Jagger, a man who knows his way around lingerie, quipped that his win (with Dave Stewart) for Best Original Motion Picture Song (for "Old Habits Die Hard" from "Alfie") was like a "push-up bra" that plunged him "back into the limelight." Our cups runneth over with the Rolling Stones frontman's mirth.

Beam Us Up, Hollywood Foreign Press: William Shatner's years of scenery-chomping have finally paid off -- he now has a Golden Globe to complement that Emmy he won last year. While we had hoped the erstwhile Captain Kirk would grace us with a grandiose acceptance speech filled with dramatic pauses and over-emoting (perhaps even a little Klingon), he instead swapped some spit with his wife and, with unexpected brevity and composure, expressed his gratitude for his "Boston Legal" gig.

Breast in Show, Part 1: Breasts are the new black, as everyone from Halle Berry to Debra Messing to Minnie Driver to Lisa Ling to Evangeline Lilly gave a whole new meaning to the term "Golden Globes." The many precipitously plunging necklines must have had the NBC censors praying for the prodigious use of double-sided sticky tape.

Worst Camera Cut: Best TV Drama Actress loser Jennifer Garner was forced to show off her cute-as-a-button dimples multiple times as the camera zeroed in on her during winner Mariska Hargitay's speech.

The Charlize Theron Tanorexia Award: Teri Hatcher mirrored Theron's Oompa-Loompa-like hue at last year's Oscars by showing off tanned skin that glowed so brightly it could light up all of Wisteria Lane.

Most Unusual Fashion Statement, Part 2: The usually flawless Nicole Kidman had us wistfully reminiscing about Bjork's swan dress with her oddly plucked shoulder strap, which made it look as if she had stuffed a live peacock down her cleavage.

Most Fortuitous Felony: "Desperate Housewives" creator Marc Cherry had the crowd in stitches as he told how his luck took a turn for the better after his agent was arrested for embezzlement. He found new representation, and the rest, as they say, is ratings history. Cherry also thanked his mom for giving him the idea for the smash dramedy, joking, "Now that's good parenting."

Winner Most in Need of an Audience: Jason Bateman, whose well-rewarded work on Fox's "Arrested Development" has yet to translate to higher ratings, partly because it's competing against high-profile shows such as ... the Golden Globes! Trust us, people: The hilarious Bluth family puts the fun in "dysfunctional." Don't miss another episode!

Worst Presenting Team: We can't decide what was worse: Usher's insistence on wearing sunglasses while in the presence of greats such as Mick Jagger and Prince, or Lisa Marie Presley stomping onstage in an Elvira-meets-Stevie Nicks get-up and brattily reading off the song nominees. Just 'cause you're the King's little girl doesn't mean you can act like a total princess.

Breast in Show, Part 2: Was it chilly at the Beverly Hilton or was Mariska Hargitay just really
happy to win a Golden Globe? In her sheer satin dress, the actress simply couldn't hide her excitement.

Best Career Arc: Leonardo DiCaprio, who paid his dues trading yuks with Alan Thicke and Kirk Cameron on "Growing Pains." "Growing up in this business and truly wanting to be a part of the world of film, I'm a truly privileged person standing here today," a humble DiCaprio said as he won his Best Actor in a Drama prize for the Martin Scorsese-directed "The Aviator."

Worst Fashion Trend: With the many high-paid stylists on hand to ensure stars look their best, you'd think someone would have informed Natalie Portman, Diane Lane and Emmy Rossum, among others, that they were suffering from the heartbreak of VPL, AKA visible panty line.
Somewhere in Heaven, Ray Charles Weeps: NBC's trampled all over the memory of the late musical legend with its opening ditty, "Hallelujah, I Just Love the Globes." Sample lyric: "Gandolfini is back tonight/It means he won't get whacked tonight."

Most Confusing Accent: Johnny Depp, who during his many years in France has acquired a continental speech pattern that's a little Madonna, a little Pepe Le Pew. It's a testament to how much we adore the actor that we find his affected accent kind of adorable.

Most Confusing Career Goal: Depp again, who, when asked if he had a dream role, responded, "What comes into mind at the moment is, like, Mae West, although I probably wouldn't do it, you know. I'm a little too old for that role now. Maybe Carol Channing." Hey, we'd pay good money to hear Johnny ask us to come up and see him sometime.

Least Amusing Onstage Bit: The habitually hilarious Will Ferrell presented a prize wearing an eye patch, informing the crowd his "boating accident" wasn't nearly as bad as had been reported. Given the Hollywood Foreign Press's fundraising efforts for tsunami survivors, the joke -- complete with eyeglasses over the patch -- stunk worse than low tide.

Most Obvious Display of Unity: Diane Lane and Josh Brolin, who were recently embroiled in a domestic dispute, smiled broadly whenever the camera was pointed in their direction.

Best Build-Up of Suspense: We held our breath as Hilary Swank thanked everyone she ever met, including her trainers and sparring partners, for her "Million Dollar Baby" Best Actress award. Would she once again forget to mention C-list hubby Chad Lowe, as she did at the 2000 Oscars? "Let's see, is there anyone else?" she wondered as she concluded her list. Turns out she was just yanking our chain, as she called Lowe "my rock. Your support is ... I can't even describe it. You're my everything."

Starzilla va. JoanLissa: In the epic red-carpet battle between mother-daughter tag team Joan and Melissa Rivers (now on the TV Guide channel) and their fawning E! Entertainment replacement Star Jones, there are no winners, only losers, specifically, the innocent viewing public.

Most Honored Loser: Morgan Freeman, who failed to win an award but earned kudos from his "Million-Dollar Baby" director Clint Eastwood, who called him the "world's greatest actor," and co-star Hilary Swank, who singled him out as "the definition of grace." We couldn't agree more -- on both counts.

Best Scatological Pun: Geoffrey Rush, who gave props to his voice coach as he clutched his award for "The Life and Death of Peter Sellers": "If any of the actors are having difficult vowel movements, she's the person." Yes, we laughed. And yes, we have the mentality of an 8-year-old.