10 Things I Learned About Breaking Up (Part 2)
My 10 lessons continued...
Lesson 6: Communication is just as important during the break up stage as it is during the relationship. You can't break up with someone in 16o characters or less. (Well, obviously from my experience you can, but please don't.) What ever happened to picking up a phone? When you get into a relationship, be sure to think about communication. Lay the ground rules...don't rely on texting, MySpace, etc., for communication. In fact, word to the wise, keep MySpace out of all relationships...it's just going to hurt way too much when they start posting pictures and comments about the new love of their life.
Recently, in business management training the other day at work, the psychologist who was leading the session (which is all based on behavioral psychology) explained to us that the more clearly you define and explain your expectations upfront with someone, the more they will try to deliver on those expectations. Read: Next time I will be sure to set a clear expectation that I deserve and demand a breakup that was reflective of the loving, respectful relationship that was had.
Lesson 7: There's nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved by looking for someone who complements your life. But there's also nothing wrong with you if you're single. It's okay to like your freedom and independence, but try to make sure you are still felexible and open enough to let the right people in.
I dated a good amount during my 6 years of singleness, but nothing every developed into anything serious. I always took that to mean there was something wrong with me. I must not be pretty enough or fun enough or promiscuous enough that I didn't "spark" (hate that word) with anyone I was meeting. Now, instead of blaming it all on me, I realize that so much has to do with the right person, right time in their life, right time in your life, etc. Quite honestly, I find it amazing that any one finds someone to marry in this day and age. And if all those guys that didn't continue seeing me realized before I did that there wasn't a future between us and spared me the pain and heartache similar to what I just experienced, then I really need to thank them for not putting me through that.
Lesson 8: Habits are hard to break. Being used to having someone in your life one minute and then completely gone the next is downright heartbreaking in and of itself. It's like a death, but unlike death when the person is no longer with you, breakups are unique in that you spend weeks, months, and even years dedicating yourself to someone and then even though you respected and loved one another, they disappear and you aren't supposed to ever speak again. (Jury is still out on whether I think you can truly be friends after a breakup....I used to think yes, now I lean towards no, but as is life, every situation is unique.)
I find it very difficult to comprehend that you can choose to spend so much of your time with someone who shares your values and who you feel is a good person and then you have to not speak to them and eliminate them from your life at the drop of a hat.
It takes a while to stop looking at your cell for your morning text or knowing every night before you go to sleep you are going to have a great conversation with someone you love. And as much as friends and family are there for you, no one is going to be there whenever you need them and care about you as much as the person you are romantically involved with. Case closed. Not happening. Would you call your friend at 3 am if you had a bad dream? Probably not. Would you call your boyfriend to help you relax before trying to shake the nightmare and go back to sleep? Most likely yes.
Lesson 9: Don't expect miracles overnight. As I mentioned in my other post, patience is a necessary virtue. I expected way too much from myself way too soon. And rather than focus on feeling better, I sometimes couldn't get over how long this process was taking and feeling bad about myself as if I was failing in the grieving process of relationships. Like everyone said, time would make things better and it has. Am I 100% over this now? Not quite. But I've accepted the situation, increased my self awareness and regained my focus, drive and stability.
Lesson 10: Helping someone else is a great way to distract yourself and break the sad feeling that is sometimes all consuming. Leaving my own problems behind and seeing that a friend of mine who was there 24/7 for me, now needed me to be there to help her was a large part of the healing process for me. Nothing says thanks and I am here for you that a flower delivery of sunflowers to brighten someone's gloomy day.
Lesson 6: Communication is just as important during the break up stage as it is during the relationship. You can't break up with someone in 16o characters or less. (Well, obviously from my experience you can, but please don't.) What ever happened to picking up a phone? When you get into a relationship, be sure to think about communication. Lay the ground rules...don't rely on texting, MySpace, etc., for communication. In fact, word to the wise, keep MySpace out of all relationships...it's just going to hurt way too much when they start posting pictures and comments about the new love of their life.
Recently, in business management training the other day at work, the psychologist who was leading the session (which is all based on behavioral psychology) explained to us that the more clearly you define and explain your expectations upfront with someone, the more they will try to deliver on those expectations. Read: Next time I will be sure to set a clear expectation that I deserve and demand a breakup that was reflective of the loving, respectful relationship that was had.
Lesson 7: There's nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved by looking for someone who complements your life. But there's also nothing wrong with you if you're single. It's okay to like your freedom and independence, but try to make sure you are still felexible and open enough to let the right people in.
I dated a good amount during my 6 years of singleness, but nothing every developed into anything serious. I always took that to mean there was something wrong with me. I must not be pretty enough or fun enough or promiscuous enough that I didn't "spark" (hate that word) with anyone I was meeting. Now, instead of blaming it all on me, I realize that so much has to do with the right person, right time in their life, right time in your life, etc. Quite honestly, I find it amazing that any one finds someone to marry in this day and age. And if all those guys that didn't continue seeing me realized before I did that there wasn't a future between us and spared me the pain and heartache similar to what I just experienced, then I really need to thank them for not putting me through that.
Lesson 8: Habits are hard to break. Being used to having someone in your life one minute and then completely gone the next is downright heartbreaking in and of itself. It's like a death, but unlike death when the person is no longer with you, breakups are unique in that you spend weeks, months, and even years dedicating yourself to someone and then even though you respected and loved one another, they disappear and you aren't supposed to ever speak again. (Jury is still out on whether I think you can truly be friends after a breakup....I used to think yes, now I lean towards no, but as is life, every situation is unique.)
I find it very difficult to comprehend that you can choose to spend so much of your time with someone who shares your values and who you feel is a good person and then you have to not speak to them and eliminate them from your life at the drop of a hat.
It takes a while to stop looking at your cell for your morning text or knowing every night before you go to sleep you are going to have a great conversation with someone you love. And as much as friends and family are there for you, no one is going to be there whenever you need them and care about you as much as the person you are romantically involved with. Case closed. Not happening. Would you call your friend at 3 am if you had a bad dream? Probably not. Would you call your boyfriend to help you relax before trying to shake the nightmare and go back to sleep? Most likely yes.
Lesson 9: Don't expect miracles overnight. As I mentioned in my other post, patience is a necessary virtue. I expected way too much from myself way too soon. And rather than focus on feeling better, I sometimes couldn't get over how long this process was taking and feeling bad about myself as if I was failing in the grieving process of relationships. Like everyone said, time would make things better and it has. Am I 100% over this now? Not quite. But I've accepted the situation, increased my self awareness and regained my focus, drive and stability.
Lesson 10: Helping someone else is a great way to distract yourself and break the sad feeling that is sometimes all consuming. Leaving my own problems behind and seeing that a friend of mine who was there 24/7 for me, now needed me to be there to help her was a large part of the healing process for me. Nothing says thanks and I am here for you that a flower delivery of sunflowers to brighten someone's gloomy day.
posted by Samara @ 12:36 PM
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